I really am not OKAY

Happy Mother’s day for all the mother in this world, whether alive or passed away..

but.. I won’t write about mother’s day…

I have been neglecting this blog for far too long, I wish I could make my work as an excuse, I wish I could say that I have nothing to write. Instead, I really have many things to write, and I did have a heavy workloads but I could still find time to write, if I want to…

I have been using my work as an escape from my own self, I put all my effort to pour my mind only for my work and I tend to work overtime to avoid having so much time to spend alone at home in the night. I tend to be somewhere else than on my bed in the early night.

Those things are my common feeling lately, but I haven’t aware of how much energy consumed by that habit, until today. I am a trained girl for physical activities, I used to be a Scout member and I have graduated from military-based training. It is for my own surprise that I almost faint twice in these two months (first in Sumpah Pemuda Ceremony and second in Hari Ibu Ceremony, today). When I fainted for the first time, I have my own excuse, because I am on a strict diet and haven’t had my breakfast that morning, but today, I have enough sleep, I eat normally yesterday but I still fainted this morning.

Then I realize what I’ve been through these couple months and since I always blame my self for everything I’ve been through and my believe that every thing happened according to our own mind, I got an insight about what is really happening to me and I have to admit that I’m depressed.

Being someone that has a psychology background, everyone seems to see me as someone that always jumped into ‘a psychological conclusion’, and they won’t believe me even if I have shown them symptoms that happened to me. They will say that I over analyze my self with my own knowledge, but they usually believe if I analyze their symptoms. Double standard, no?

Writing is my self-healing methods and I’ve been avoiding it far too long because every time I want to write something, my mind start to frightened me with exaggerating thoughts about one thing or another, especially about someone that I lose, feeling that I’ve missed because of that ‘losing thing’. I know why I’ve been in this situations yet I couldn’t make peace with my mind. I blame my self for what has happened despite everyone else see this as something beyond my control. I couldn’t exactly write the exact story here, i’m afraid that it will be worst if someone read it and get hurt because of it.

My mind is tricking me.

Someone is playing it.

I feel fine while I know that I’m not.

I got so tired yet I am full of energy at the same time.

..but yes, everyone seems to believe that I am FINE..

e595a3a660f3d3f62b1733465e5ae84ePic Source: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/424042121135846008/



Published by darkjasm

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Heart Writer, Psych Lecturer and a passionate Lover. Her interests are in Poetry, Social Psychology, Places, Food and her families

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